There was once during a night feeding, that I thought to myself, "Just what am I doing?! Why didn't anyone said that having a baby is such tiring work and how on earth do those mothers look so good with a baby on their arm?! I look terrible! I feel horrible! I just want to sleep! I want to run away! I don't want a baby anymore!"
Back then, I just had my first kid and being a newbie to mothering, EVERYTHING felt so overwhelming to me. And to add icing to my red velvet cupcake, I didn't managed to breastfed him and I truly felt I was a let-down (no pun intended) to the epitome of motherhood.
Fast forward two years later, I had my second kid and this time round, breastfeeding was sort of a success. Well, the initial stage was tough, with cracked and bleeding nipples, blocked ducts, a hungry baby who just wants to latch all the time, manual expressing, a few scares with a wonky pump motor that threatened to give up on me and severe after birth cramps that made me bleed all over my toilet that it looked like a murder scene. I can safely say, or hope to say, I am done.
Even though I have two boys and people kept commenting on how I should try for a girl, I say, "No thank you very much." True, I'll never know how much fun dressing them up can be, how girls will always be the ones looking after their parents etc, but to me right now, they are what I've always wanted.
From the get go, I knew I wanted a boy. A son that I can play rough with, a son that will splash into rain puddles, a son that plays trucks and trains, a son that gets all muddied up after a football game, a son that climbs and crawls and shouts, a son with a cheeky smile and that twinkle in his eye when he does something mischievous. Plus, its double the fun now.
Right now I feel complete, a place where I'm more at ease with myself, a comfortable peace from within. There are still challenges, but I'm not so inclined to worry that much nor fret too much about it. I have two little ones to care for, to love and to enjoy. And I believe, they are the ones whom have given me more love than I have to them that has brought this completeness to me.
And having them love me back unconditionally, chocolate bar.
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